The Letter

18 Feb

Sweetheart,

I’m on the other side of the transplant – a painless affair, you’ll be glad to know. Unfortunately, it was not the “dream.”

 And so we are here.

 Jesus Christ, love, I’m leaving you. And I fear telling you more than the death itself. I need you to know – to really, truly understand – your strength. You don’t need me, not in the way that you think you do. Not in the way that I’ve allowed you to believe. Recognize, my beautiful love, that you’re a survivor and that has nothing to do with me. All I’ve done is stand by and be witness to it all. You’ve been to hell and back, mama, and through it you’ve continued to feel so deeply, to love so completely, to trust so fearlessly … I’m in awe of you.

 You’ve been a gift from the gods to me, K. I’ve always said that. A gift I was too afraid to ever completely open, but the mystery of you has been relished.

I wasted many years spent fearing you and I can’t imagine how that must have felt for you. I was always quoting Joni Mitchell’s “Case of You” to you. The same lyrics: 

Love is touching souls 
Surely you touched mine 
‘Cause part of you pours out of me 
In these lines from time to time 
Oh, you’re in my blood like holy wine 
You taste so bitter and so sweet

 But listening to Joni last week, on a day I was feeling pretty well, a completely different set of lyrics jumped out at me, K:  

I met a woman

She had a mouth like yours 
She knew your life 
She knew your devils and your deeds 
And she said 
“Go to him, stay with him if you can 
But be prepared to bleed”

I saw you in these lyrics and realized – I mean really understood for the first time – just how much of yourself you have given me. Thank you for staying with me, K.

And I’m so sorry, but, baby…this is gonna hurt.

I love you and am with you wherever you go. And I’m beyond proud of you. I hope you’ll find a way to tell our story. For all the pain, it’s a beautiful story about a beautiful woman.. It’s a love story. And it’s your story – go tell it.

I love you my sweet, sweet animal, my mystery, my passion.

K

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