Aside 19 Feb

Your illness and…ultimately…your death, prompted so much reflection on time passed, opportunities missed, and regrets that I think we both forgot that long ago we’d come to terms with what our reality would look like. A friends and lovers sort of an arrangement – with shifting emphasis based on our moods, our needs, our circumstances.

As I always did, I had a song for it.

There’s no easy answer

None to blame or forgive

Two cripples dancing

To the end we live

It worked, K. For a really long time, it worked. It wasn’t always graceful, but I would take it a thousand times over the alternative.

I hope that in those final weeks, you weren’t as focused on the regret as you appear to be in your notes. Or at the very least I hope your misgivings were accompanied by memories of all the good times…hours spent laughing and probably just as many spent in silence, taking comfort and pleasure in one another’s presence. Strolls through LaJolla, the seals on the rocks, late night diner chats, coffee and microbrews, beating me at nanowrimo every time, watching movies over the phone, jumping on the bed, that time your hands were seriously stuck in my hair, tangled up with the salty Pacific air on the last night of my last trip. You said, “this so Neruda…this long black hair and ocean shit,” and I almost pee’d my pants. We laughed a LOT, we read so much together, and we wrote volumes about why we don’t write. And, holy hell, the sex.

Since receiving your letter – part of it published here – I’ve been trying to find a way to tell this story. I guess that’s what this recent spat of posts is about. Reading through your emails this weekend I was startled to discover how contrite you were in your final months…how often it was that you apologized for having disappointed me.

K, I understand you. I know where you come from and who you are. I know your biggest fears and your deepest flaws. I know that you gave me 100 times what you’ve ever given before. I know that at times it physically exhausted you – completely drained you emotionally.

 I know that it was never easy, but it was always worth it.

 It was perfect just the way it was. No apologies.

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